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Tonight I yelled at God…it’s not a good thing to yell at God but I yelled.
I was angry because someone disrespected my need to have my student home at a good time. They thought they should take them out for a party after an event and I needed to wait in the cold for them to finally show up. I was SO angry but had just had someone run it through my head again (earlier that day) that what comes out of a person in times of stress is indicative of what is in their heart. If what comes out is anger and not love, then Christ isn’t living in you. You are being ruled by the flesh.
So I yelled at God. Saying I’m angry and if you want me to be someone different you need to change me. I hate this. I hate this anger the lives inside of me and slips out when I would rather it didn’t. I hollered at him so loud, and I know he heard me. He heard me and let my hubby text me and so we talked. (well texted talked) and my heart quieted again. I caught a grip, and realized something… that anger… kept me awake on the trip there and for MOST of the trip back and then I started nodding and shaking my head to stay awake. (good thing I was only five minutes from home eh?)
You see I can and do fall asleep at the wheel. When I’m tired I must not be on the road.
Hubby reminded me that it’s okay to get angry, but anger becomes sin when you hold onto it. I don’t hang on to it. It’s quick and sudden like a fire and then it dissipates. If I was wrong, I apologize and work it through, but it never stays.
But when it flairs you know what happens?
I start to doubt myself, my faith, my heart. It makes me question how I can have this anger when every where I go in Christian circles I’m told over and over… what’s in the heart comes out on the tongue or in the actions. If you aren’t showing love then you don’t have Christ within. So how to I manage those two things? How do I see my faith is real when my actions so often, in times of stress or concern or feeling ignored…. don’t result in love or patience or anything like that being shown? How can I yell at the one who died so my sin doesn’t have to rule my body?
Therein lies the struggle doesn’t it? Between the here and the what should be. God is always in control. My hubby didn’t NEED to text me when he did…but he did. That was a needful God moment, to give me a moment to stop, breathe, think my actions through. To use adrenaline for the purpose God created it for…awakeful, alertness to keeps one surviving.
And so through God’s orchestration, I see his grace reaching out to me.
Through yelling and conversation I realized again… My God reigns. He’s fully in control and aware of all that occurs. He handles hurt and pain and anger and he changes and moves and makes things better. His control. His reign. Always. Remember it.